Waiting for Agnes

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Zero perspective October 20, 2010

Filed under: No baking today,Parenting — titchandboofer @ 7:04 am
Tags: , ,

I haven’t posted for about a hundred years.

For approximately seventy-eight of those years I have had a thumping headache.

The beloved has been at work all day, every day for the past eighty-two years.

Small hasn’t slept more than a minute at night for the past ninety-nine years.

He hasn’t slept because he has been busy breastfeeding every minute.

Every other minute he screeches like a furious crow and breakdances round the bed and pillows, executing fast kicks to the bladder.

Am sure he is screeching and writhing in agonising pain, as I am a dreadful parent who has given him too much cows milk. And biscuits, mustn’t forget the biscuits.

Have surely set him up to have some lifelong dairy/wheat/food generally intolerance.

My brain is irreversibly besludged and I will never be able to think coherently again.

Re-enrolling to do my masters was worst idea ever, as thoughts of multitasking completely paralyse me. Also, see above.

Have not called Centrelink, despite writing ‘call centrelink’ on thirty-eight different lists.

Will probably be sent to prison for diddling them out of their seventy-five cents a week.

Have also failed to rsvp to things, answer phone calls, return messages or respond to simple requests.

Suspect is good thing I cannot be sent to prison for being crap friend.

Obviously we can never have more children. Am unable to wrangle just one.



3 Responses to “Zero perspective”

  1. whatladder Says:

    At least no one questioned your professional ethics.

    Also, I am a bad parent as I had to let my spawn skip out of ballet on account of all the SHOTS she had made her arm all red, and it hurt when she lifted it up to do do port de bras.

    • Well you couldn’t have her going along to do dangle de bras now, could you? Seems perfectly legitimate. Not like you just said she could skip ballet to lie on the couch and watch Dr Phil (although the man is clearly a genius).

      As for professional ethics, it’s possible mine were questioned at work this week, but all I heard was “doo doo doo doot doot dooty doo, doo doo doo doot doot dooty doo”. And am unable to remember password for work email, limiting all interactions to personal ones, which is possibly fortunate.

  2. Sylvia Says:

    Oh, I hear you. With a few minor variations, this sounds exactly like the last few weeks of my life. In my perfect world, writing something on a list is as good as actually doing said thing. Oh, and emails tap into my subconscious and answer themselves. Although given the state of my mind at the moment, that may not actually be that great an idea.

    I love your blog, by the way, even though I can only read it when I am safe in the knowledge that something yummy is baking in the oven…

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